08/27/2025 | Stephanie Briscoe, LCMHCS NCC CEAP

Commitment after heartbreak can feel like standing at the edge of a cliff you know the view is beautiful, but the leap feels terrifying. Many people who have gone through a painful divorce, the end of a long-term relationship, or betrayal want love again. They long for deep, healthy bonding, not trauma bonding. Yet when they step back into dating, they often swing between two extremes: either they become hyper-critical, focusing on every flaw, or they grow so cautious that they never make a move. In both cases, a promising relationship may stall, leaving the partner weary of waiting and ready to move on.

What Does Fear of Commitment Really Mean?

According to Healthline, fear of commitment is often rooted in past hurt, fear of vulnerability, or the belief that closeness will cost you independence. These fears can create avoidance patterns such as ending relationships before they deepen, staying emotionally detached, or scrutinizing partners excessively (Healthline, n.d.).

The academic literature adds that commitment isn’t simply about staying; it’s about investing emotionally, mentally, and spiritually in the relationship. Commitment predicts long-term satisfaction and resilience, especially when trust and shared values are present (Stanley & Markman, 1992, as discussed in Commitment in Close Relationships).

In other words, commitment is more than saying yes to a partner; it’s saying yes to growth, to covenant, and to the vulnerability that love requires.

Faith and Covenant: God’s Model of Commitment

Scripture reminds us that love is not just a feeling, but a covenant. “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:9, NIV). Commitment reflects God’s design for relationships—a binding promise rooted in faith, not fear.

But entering covenant requires readiness. Rushing into relationships without healing risks repeating old cycles. Equally, avoiding intimacy altogether prevents the joy of building something new. True covenant commitment requires both faith in God and maturity in your emotions.

CBT Insights: Knowing If You’re Ready

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) offers tools to help you assess if you’re truly ready to commit:

1. Check Your Thoughts: Notice if your inner dialogue leans more toward fear (“What if they leave me?”) or faith (“I can build something healthy”). Reframing fearful thoughts into balanced ones helps you approach dating with openness instead of defensiveness.

2. Challenge Assumptions: Instead of assuming someone’s behavior means rejection or flaw, practice curiosity: “Could there be another explanation?”

3. Practice Assertive Communication: Healthy commitment thrives when you share what you feel and need without blaming or demanding. This prevents misunderstandings and builds trust.

These tools not only reveal if you are ready to love again but also help you build the relational skills to sustain commitment once it begins.

Signs You May Need More Time

It’s just as important to recognize when you are not yet ready:

· You feel consumed by thoughts of your ex or replay the breakup often.

· You avoid vulnerability or shut down emotionally when closeness grows.

· Your dating interactions are driven by comparison, criticism, or constant doubt.

· You secretly hope someone new will “fix” what the old relationship broke.

These are signs that you may still be healing. Instead of forcing yourself forward, give yourself permission to pause. Therapy can help you process lingering grief, fears, or insecurities so that your next commitment is grounded in freedom rather than fear.

Taking the Faith Step

At the end of the day, commitment is both a faith move and an act of emotional maturity. Faith anchors you when uncertainty tries to pull you back into fear. Emotional maturity gives you the tools to bond deeply without losing yourself. Together, they create the pathway out of feeling stuck and into living a life of joy and connection again.

The question is not only “Do I want to commit?” but “Am I ready to?” If the honest answer is not yet, that’s not failure, it’s wisdom. Healing first means your future covenant will have a stronger foundation.

And if your answer is yes, then step forward with courage. Love will always require risk, but it is in risking love that we experience one of God’s greatest gifts: the covenant of true relationship.

References

Healthline. (n.d.). Fear of commitment: What does it mean? Retrieved from Healthline

Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (1992). Commitment in close relationships: Conceptual and methodological issues. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 54(3), 595–608. Retrieved from PMC