By Stephanie Briscoe, NCC, LCMHCS, CEAP

May 27, 2025

Introduction
Defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies that protect us from anxiety, guilt, or shame. While they can be helpful in short-term emotional survival, chronic use—especially in communication—can sabotage intimacy, accountability, and personal growth. Four commonly misunderstood mechanisms are deflection, avoidance, denial, and projection. In therapy, particularly in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we explore these behaviors not to shame, but to increase awareness and interrupt dysfunctional patterns.

1. Deflection: Changing the Subject to Dodge Vulnerability

Definition: Deflection occurs when someone shifts the focus of a conversation away from themselves to avoid discomfort. This may look like sarcasm, humor, shifting blame, or responding to a concern with a counterattack ("What about when you do it?").

Impact on Communication: Deflection prevents authentic dialogue and keeps the person from being emotionally accountable. It can be confusing for the listener and often escalates conflict.

CBT Insight: In CBT, deflection may be a behavioral response tied to the core belief that being vulnerable equals being weak or unsafe. The therapist helps the individual recognize the behavior and develop healthier communication tools.

Example: A spouse brings up feeling unsupported, and the partner responds, “Oh, here we go again. You always blame me,” instead of addressing the issue.

2. Avoidance: Dodging the Conversation Entirely

Definition: Avoidance involves not engaging with the topic at all—either emotionally, physically, or cognitively. This may look like leaving the room, changing the subject, or avoiding conversations altogether.

Impact on Communication: Emotional needs go unspoken, and unresolved issues build resentment. Avoidance can create emotional distance, especially in intimate or codependent relationships.

CBT Insight: Avoidance is tied to the cognitive distortion of catastrophizing—believing that facing the problem will cause irreparable damage. CBT helps reframe these fears and gradually expose individuals to difficult conversations.

Example: A partner notices tension but insists, “I just don’t want to talk about it right now,” every time conflict arises.

3. Denial: Refusing to Acknowledge Reality

Definition: Denial is the refusal to accept a painful or uncomfortable truth. It often emerges when the truth threatens one's self-image or sense of control.

Impact on Communication: Denial invalidates the experiences of others and can be emotionally gaslighting. It blocks progress in resolving issues and maintaining emotional honesty.

CBT Insight: Denial can be rooted in core beliefs like "If I admit this, I am a failure." CBT targets these cognitive distortions and replaces them with more balanced beliefs.

Example: A person drinks heavily but insists, “I’m just social. I don’t have a problem.”

4. Projection: Blaming Others for Your Own Feelings

Definition: Projection involves attributing your unwanted thoughts or feelings to someone else. It's often used to avoid owning one’s own emotional reactions.

Impact on Communication: Projection distorts reality and leads to miscommunication, especially in emotionally enmeshed or codependent relationships. It leaves the other person confused and wrongly accused.

CBT Insight: Projection is linked to the cognitive distortion of mind-reading and externalizing responsibility. CBT encourages emotional ownership and clearer self-expression.

Example: A person who feels guilty for not being present says, “You don’t care about this relationship—you’re always distracted.”

How These Mechanisms Play Out in Codependent Relationships
In codependent dynamics, these defense mechanisms reinforce the pattern of one person over-functioning and the other under-functioning. The person avoiding accountability may rely on denial or deflection to escape responsibility, while the other compensates by overanalyzing or rescuing. The result? Emotional burnout, chronic resentment, and stunted relational growth.

How to Tell If It’s Happening to You (or by You)

Signs You’re on the Receiving End:

• You often leave conversations feeling confused or blamed.
• Your concerns are frequently dismissed, minimized, or ignored.
• You feel like you’re always the problem—even when you're not.

Signs You Might Be Using These Mechanisms:

• You find it hard to stay in emotionally difficult conversations.
• You quickly blame others when you feel uncomfortable.
• You struggle to say “I was wrong” or “I need help.”

Tips for Growth

• Practice mindfulness before reacting in conversations.
• Use “I” statements to express your emotions and needs.
• Seek therapy to uncover and heal core beliefs driving these behaviors.
• Ask for feedback: "How do you experience me when we talk about hard things?"

Quote to Reflect On:
"We can deny our heritage and our history, but we cannot escape responsibility for the result." — John F. Kennedy

Conclusion
Recognizing these defense mechanisms is the first step toward deeper, healthier relationships. CBT gives us tools not just to identify the patterns, but to replace them with honest, constructive communication. Whether you're on the giving or receiving end, change begins with awareness.

Stephanie Briscoe, NCC, LCMHCS, CEAP
Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Supervisor
Mirror 2 the Heart PLLC

Harrisburg, NC